Daisy List is the Greatest Bucket List Ever!

What?         “CHEMO” In Care Bear Land?                        Post 6

Well here I am, post surgery and I’ve spent one week of recovery at my daughters.  Tomorrow we take a ride back to NJ, just to pick up mail, run a few errands and come back to her house.  I still have another week of recuperation.

I feel as though I’ve been stuck in the house for a year.  Can’t do too much, still healing from the surgery.  In an odd way it feels good to be forced to sit still and relax and not HAVE to do anything.

I do a little bit more each day, but I feel as though I’m 6 months pregnant.  My stomach is sticking out further than when I carried each of my 2 children.

The good part is I’m having all these “CARE BEAR” visions of how healthy and fit I’ll be in a few months, back to my kickboxing and busy schedule, I think I’ll do a complete make over, get a new hair do, and oh glory be, I’ll be back in my 6 inch heels.  I can’t wait.  And then of course I can start work on a complete new wardrobe, new make up, the works, a complete NEW ME!

This was my shoe life “BEFORE” TAZ.  There are many more shoes, but I didn’t have the patience to pull them all out of the closet to photograph.  Love my high heels!  Later I’ll show you the shoes I’ve worn for the past year and a half.  Oh My!

In another week I’ll have my 2 week follow up and I can get the okay to “keep it moving”.  I can probably drive, maybe even do a little exercising.

Then after my 6 week check up I can go back to my famous “to do list”, with all the summer activities I mentioned earlier.  You know, the reunions, the birthday’s, graduations, mini vacations, Festivals.  All those things retired people indulge in for the summer.  WAIT, I think that noise you hear in the background, is me tip toeing in “high heels” through the tulips.  Tra Lalala, lala!!!

Okay fast forward to my 2 week check up.  Had an appointment with the surgeon, everything looks great, TIME TO HEAL!  HOORAY!

Denise goes home to PA, back to her grueling work schedule, and I’m alone in NJ for the 1^st time in what seems like months.  Don’t get me wrong, so thankful for the 24 hour care, however, the mind and the body need to rest, and sometimes we have to be completely alone to do that.  Whew!!  And my poor daughter, I know for sure she was ready to have some separation time.

Prior to the surgery I felt as though I could have run a marathon.  Granted I hate running, but I think I could have done it.  I mean a few months back, I was going to Kickboxing classes 3 days a week!  Hello!!

 

But now I move so slow, as though I have 2 cement blocks attached to each ankle.  My legs feel rubbery and weak.  I feel fragile, nothing like I did post a kickboxing workout.  Not empowered at all!

But I did get the okay to drive.  Oh Lord, I can drive, at last I can drive.  Not too long or too far, but I can drive.  Better than a Xmas present.  So HAPPY!

I go to the store and I see these little old ladies running in and out of the stores at what looks like the speed of light.  That visual and the anxiety about what to do next with my life is making me a little bit anxious.

Now it’s the beginning of June, getting ready for 6 week follow up, this is Great, I’ll get out of limbo, and keep it moving.  Actually now I can return to my favorite office away from home, the outdoor café at the Rutger’s Barnes n’ Noble book store.

I spent so much time here, working on my Day Dreams in Focus program.  Loved it there.  Book stores are one of my favorite places to be.

I did so much work on the Day Dreams in Focus workbooks there.  It’s so beautiful and peaceful.  So many trains and people coming and going all day, and yet I could still Focus on what I was doing, just love it.

But for now, I’ll slowly get back into some sort of a routine and I’ll just work on my precious little DAISY LIST, and take my time to decide what to do with the rest of my life.  Here we go again……..

“WHAT’S MY PURPOSE?”

CHEMO ALERT!          CHEMO ALERT!          CHEMO ALERT!

Okay, surgery was over    check √

Recuperation was done     check √

Now it was time to pick up all the broken parts and pieces, and put things back together.  After all, the worse part, the hysterectomy, was over.  Time to move on, RIGHT?

WRONG !

My roller coaster had a few more dips and curves.  It was now June, and at my 6 week check-up, I was told I might need some follow up but not to worry about that.  Everything looked great.  In my mind follow up meant regular visits and check ups.  Once I left the office it was time to get my life back on my schedule.  So the next morning I started my day off great.  I figured I’d do some work around the house, and then “run the streets” doing my favorite thing, running errands.        

REALLY ?

YOU THINK ?

Out of the blue I get a call from the Cancer Institute of New Jersey (CINJ).  They want to see me this Monday the 16^th instead of the previously scheduled appointment on the 23^rd.  They want to discuss “CHEMO” treatments.

 WH-A-A-A-T?  REALLY?

CHEMO, wh-a-a-at?

There goes that “KILL” switch for the brain again.

Another gut punch, I felt sick to my stomach.

I hang up the phone, walked around in a slight daze, then immediately called you know who.  That’s right, the Commander-in-chief, Denise, who else?  I told her about the appointment, to see if she could go with me.  Well you know the answer.  Even though she was dealing with some serious issues at work, there was “NO CONTEST”.

She was no nonsense on board.  All she wanted to know at this point was, Mom, are you okay?  I told her the minute I talked to her, everything always became okay.  OMG, is all of this really, really happening or am I in an alternate Universe.  I’ve heard of thousands of woman that had hysterectomies, and went right back to a normal life, some the very NEXT day.

OK let’s see people, okay, okay (deep breath)

–  March I was living “la vida loca”,

–  April I’m going into emergency surgery for a hysterectomy

–  May I’m walking around in Limbo

–  June I’m starting “CHEMO”.

Can I fit all of this into my BRAIN?

Are you kidding me, do I at least get a chance to change the channel on this creepy movie?

I’m almost starting NOT to believe in my own POPLLYANA positive talk.

 

CHEMO ALERT!          CHEMO ALERT!          CHEMO ALERT!

I tried to continue my day, but of course there was this ghost of “TAZ the Devil” following me around every step I took.  In the mean time, Denise had made some calls, Googled every WEB site she could find, talked to all of her doctor and nurse friends and had her information down pat.

She was so efficient, she was starting to scare me, did I really raise this child?  No seriously she was really starting to scare me.  In addition to all of her calls, she had ordered me a book titled Anti Cancer on-line and it was due to arrive on Sunday.  Talk about taking care of business.

I have to be honest, I thought my daughter was pushing it a bit too far with the book, until I started to read it.  I couldn’t put it down.  I’ve read it over and over, and plan on reading it a few more times.  It’s packed with such useful information. 

Don’t be misled, this book is not just about cancer.  It offers a ton of scientific information about healthy eating and life style habits that could potentially help you to avoid Mr TAZ altogether or at least minimize his impact in the first place.

I just LOVE the book and I strongly recommend it to EVERYONE!

Okay, so let’s get this straight:

The word Hysterectomy produces one level of anxiety              (Gut punch 1)

The word CANCER produces another level of anxiety                          (Gut punch 2)

The word CHEMO produces still another level of anxiety              (Gut punch 3)

How high does this meter go?

What’s next, the TOTAL KNOCK OUT punch?

I didn’t even have much of a chance to reflect on the surgery, or any post surgery issues.  Now I had to prepare myself and my brain for level #3 combat. I get off of the phone and my brain is stuck on “CHEMO”.

Here we go again.  Another stop sign for the brain.  Now to be fair I’m sure the word CHEMO may have come up previously, in passing but it didn’t register the same way because I thought the operation took care of everything.  Okay, this is getting old.

CHEMO ALERT!          CHEMO ALERT!          CHEMO ALERT!

Once I stopped shaking, I again called the Commander In Chief to make sure she can make the appointment with me.  She just about let’s me know there are NO days she CAN’T make it to any of my appointments.  She will be there hell or high water, whatever the date is.

Even though I know she’s having issues at work she just let’s me know there is NOTHING on this planet more important than my health care.

GOD BLESS my little Fox Hole Buddy!

She calls me back a few minutes later and gives me the whole 411 on what’s going to happen, what it means, how it works and there’s nothing to worry about and asks me to please not be afraid.  She just keeps telling me, “Ma, we got this.” I tell her AGAIN, I’m NEVER afraid every time I talk to her.  Oh, the power of WORDS.

 On June 16^th, Denise & I met with my surgeon about the CHEMO treatments and the next steps.

The doctor explained she had hoped follow up CHEMO would not be necessary and thought long and hard about putting me thru CHEMO.  However, based on the pathology report and careful deliberation, she had presented it to the BOARD, and they came back unanimous to proceed with CHEMO.  Then the doctor explains in great detail with graphic visuals exactly what was going to happen

I watched Denise’s face as my doctor spoke, and she was taking in each and every word and taking notes as though she was studying for a test.  When the doctor was finished, Denise had one question.  She wanted the Dr’s 99% guarantee that I was NOT going to die.  She was so intense about it that the doctor and I almost laughed out loud.

But to the doctor’s credit, she calmly explained to Denise that she couldn’t guarantee that I was “NEVER” going to die from something else, but the CHEMO should give me a better shot at staying alive longer.  It was all about precaution and prevention, reducing the chances of recurrence.  Hey, that worked for me!

The doctor said I would require 6 treatments, one every 21 days.  I quickly did the math in my head and got depressed and I made a remark about another 6 months out of my life.

My commander-in-chief immediately corrected me.

“Mom, the doctor said 6 TREATMENTS, NOT 6 months, you can do a lot of living in between!”

What a kid, it’s all in how you say it.

Denise and I both expressed a desire to start the treatment as soon as possible.  The date for my 1^st treatment was set for Monday 6-22-15.  We were both more than ready.

GETTING READY for your first CHEMO treatment is probably one of the most daunting things in life.  The word itself, “CHEMO”, the visuals on television commercials, the stories of other patients, the baldness that is so prevalent.  These things roll around in your head and suddenly that is all you see.   Prior to my involvement with Mr TAZ, I had no idea of the % of people that I personally know that also have been visited by Mr TAZ.

I also started to notice how many bald women and children there were.  It almost became a fascination with how many times a day I noticed.  It got to a point where I was actually tempted to approach total strangers and ask them a million questions.  The diversity in age, sex, ethnic group, lifestyle, living conditions, bad habits, good habits, smokers, non smokers, gym rats, couch potatoes, you name it.

WOW, what kind of a lottery ticket is this?

I just kept asking myself, how did this happen?  Not WHY Me, but HOW?  I was a non-smoker, very little drinking, kick boxing and serious walking, not a lot of red meat, love the salt and sugar, but hey? Sort of took care of myself.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

At the time I had no answers, and it wasn’t until a long time after the CHEMO treatments, lots of reading, lengthy discussions with both other club members and non members, and some of my rudimentary scientific research did I get an answer satisfactory to my brain.  This is part of the conclusion that I’ve come to.  It’s not the whole answer, but for me it made sense and it’s a beginning.

Recently I was making another trip to my daughters house.  It’s approximately a 2 hr ride.  I left late and ended up in a horrific traffic jam, big time.  A red light, intersection car blocking, honking horn, traffic jam.

It was a Friday night, end of the summer, at the commuter hour.  I hadn’t dealt with that kind of traffic in a very long time, not since my retirement.

While I sat there trying to stay calm, I looked around and suddenly I felt as though I was in another science fiction movie.  I seem to be in a lot of those movies these days.  It looked as though there were cars everywhere and it seemed as though no one could move in any direction.

Red cars, green cars, blue cars, black cars, gray cars, silver cars, gold cars, purple cars ………..

You name it.

Every color, every make, every model, every year, just a million cars and every one of them had their engines and a/c running.  Oh, and let’s not forget the trucks, buses, tractor trailers, motorcycles and even a few bikes.

I thought to myself, OMG, anyone within a five mile radius of this mess that is even remotely susceptible to “anything at all” has absolutely no shot.

No diet, no exercise, no special vitamins has a snowball in hell’s chance of escaping the perils of all these fumes.

NO ONE!

Again the brain wants to be comfortable with the answers to it’s questions.  So I asked myself one more time,

Is this how Mr TAZ got To Me?

And in that moment I had part of what I though was a comfortable answer.  I realized that the cure and prevention to Mr TAZ is going to require EVERY SINGLE solitary person’s contribution in some form or another.

Be it money, gesture, involvement, cooperation, commitment, you name it.  It was going to take a total by-in from the entire PLANET.

Are there other contributing factors to Mr TAZ, absolutely, but what I’m trying to emphasize here is that until we “ALL” get into the fight, we run the risk of 1 of every 2 people running smack dab into Mr. TAZ.  WOW!!

It’s like this hungry animal needing to be constantly fed.

So does it take a village?  Yes, it certainly does.

It takes a Village, then it takes a Community, then it takes a State, then it takes an Army, then it takes a Country, and then it takes a PLANET.  There is no other way!

It is going to take the entire PLANET!

In the meantime, my Journey continues…..

So let’s ALL make a personal pledge today to do something or contribute in some way to help banish this devil from the PLANET! It’s the only way!