According to my Journal, it is now June 21, 2016 and I had to pick myself up from my 3rd gut punch, namely the Blood Clot. I was so sick of being sick, all I wanted to do was get well and get back to resuming my old life.
I now realize that will probably NEVER happen and maybe it’s not suppose to. You just can’t go back to an old life, you have to keep moving forward to a new life.
Everything about me has changed, not just physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. NOTHING was the same, not just my hair, but so many other things that you couldn’t see, feel, or touch.
The first thing I became acutely aware of was my diminished energy level. I’m one of those people that loves to run the streets. Up and out every day and all night. Even in retirement, I always, always had things to do, places to go, and people to see. And if I wasn’t out, I loved to entertain at home.
I think the blood clot scared me, as much, if not more, than TAZ. First of all it was so unexpected although all the data says you’re very prone to clots after a hysterectomy and chemo. Of course that was another one of those memos I forgot to read.
But the good news was, the clot didn’t bring with it the Ghost of Mr. Fatique. However I was still afraid to exert myself because of all the stories out there about clots moving to the Brain. But I’m sure my low energy level was more psychological than anything else.
I was taking my injections but I wasn’t crystal clear about how it all worked. Previously I had been walking every day and taking Yoga lessons, but I was told not to push myself to much too soon while I was on the Lovenox. Based on that, I became very, very lackadaisical. I moved slowly, I took my time doing everything including going up and down the stairs. I use to run up the stairs, now I didn’t dare.
On top of all of that I associated a “stigma” with having to take an injection every day, even though no one would be able to tell by looking at me. Not sure where that came from, sounds so silly. What a head trip. I was becoming even more home bound than when I had “chemo” breath.
Then one night I was talking to my BMF, Nes on the phone, and he mentioned a trip to Florida he was getting ready for, sort of a vacation. Somehow or other, the conversation circled around to the idea of my going with him. I think I jokingly invited myself.
But he thought it was a GREAT idea. At first I was really reluctant for all the reasons I mentioned above. I didn’t feel strong, my legs felt weak and unsteady. I had to deal with these injections every day and I was nervous about dealing with flying on a plane with a blood clot. I had no desire to go to the local supermarket, much less get on a plane and fly to another state. I mean hello, the fearful possibilities were endless.
I was so fearful, I hadn’t gone home for Easter that year and that was unusual for me, I hadn’t missed Easter in Massachusetts in years. But the more we talked about Florida the more he made it sound as thought that was the best thing I could do. I was so primed and ready to go somewhere, ANYWHERE!
And he was so right!
It turned out to be the best thing I could have done at that time.
He talked and walked me through all of the things I thought might be problems one by one. I hadn’t taken a flight in a while and with all the crazy stories about airport security and the TSA, it had me a little nervous. We talked about my syringes and giving myself injections and he said, what difference did it make, if I gave myself shots in NJ or in Florida?
I didn’t want to deal with a lot of luggage, so I came up with the idea of shipping most of my stuff prior to my flight. I shipped a ton of clothes and a ton of shoes. And of course you know I only wore half, if that, then I had to ship them all back. Cost me a fortune, but you know what they say, “We’re worth it”
But all in all, it was one of the best vacations I’ve EVER, EVER had. The timing was PERFECT, where we stayed was more than PERFECT, the weather was PERFECT, and seeing lots of old friends was PERFECT! Had the doctor written a perfect prescription for my recuperation it would have been this trip. It was my first post TAZ trip, and it helped me to get rid of the anxiety and fear that lurks around after an ordeal like cancer.
I got to see old friends like Vickey and Arnold that I hadn’t seen in years, and it reminded me of the fun things I’m truly thankful for. Laughing, talking, eating and drinking with good friends, good food and good wine.
Arnold is a terrific multi-talented artist, and I intend to share additional information about him and his Art work in a later post. So stay tuned, you’ll be glad you did.
We also visited another old friend, Carl & his wife Debbie. Nes and I had also spent some fun times with Carl in Morristown, NJ, again that was back in the day. It was great to see all of them again.
I also met another friend of Nes’ for the first time, her name is Barbara. I have to honestly say she was one of the most interesting women I’ve met in a long time. She’s been all over the world, done more things on her “Daisy List” than anyone I know. Drives all over the country and has done it all. She had story after story. Nes and I had a great time visiting Barbara.
When Nes and I got back in the car, I told him “we ain’t hardly living” she’s done it all. I told him when I get back to NJ, I intend to update my Daisy List and “hit the road”.
I didn’t feel tired or fatique once, I wasn’t dealing with any type of pain, no pain meds, not even a headache, and I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger. As for the injections, piece of cake, I was pleasantly surprised I hadn’t give them a second thought. I just gave myself a shot every morning and as Denise likes to say, “keep it moving”.
All in all, it was such a beautiful trip, I almost forgot about blood clots, scans, blood tests, and everything associated with TAZ. Had no problems at the airport either. It was a perfect vacation.
That trip was the beginning of me finding my way back to a little bit of my old self. It was really a thrill to feel so good. Thank you my dear, dear Mr. Nes!
