I’m going to insert just a little bit of reflection here. The more I write, the more I begin to fully grasp the severity of this wild ride I’ve been on. Writing all of this in my Journals was therapeutic, but I think writing if for the Blog has become truly cathartic. It is helping me to put things into perspective and also unload some of the baggage that has left an indelible foot print on my psych.
Depending on one’s personality, I believe there are a couple of ways to take this ride.
Some people become terribly frightened and fearful and display those emotions to others, and some become frightened and fearful and never show it, they project a very calm and controlled demeanor.
I believe I was of the 2nd group. I was terrified and fearful inside when I was alone, but outwardly I was calm and controlled. I would talk to “myself” endlessly going in and out of hopeless scenarios not wanting to discuss any of it out loud with another single person.
The discussions with my brain were pure chaos, however the minute I got with other people, the last thing I wanted to talk about was Mr. TAZ or any of my feelings regarding TAZ.
My brother thinks I gave my cancer a name because I was in denial. You might be able to deny it “before” chemo, but once you start treatments, that denial path gets narrower and narrower. Oh yes, reality sets in, and you realize you’re in for the fight of your life. LITERALLY!!
And even to this day, my conversations with myself can still become very bizarre. Up, down, and around the roller coaster mountain ride. But in the end I truly understand that I am one of the very, very lucky ones. That’s probably one of the reasons I feel tremendously determined to give back, but more on that later.
So for now, let’s get back on the TAZ ride. Here goes…..
Monday, June 6-22-2015 was my BIG Day.
OKAY HERE’S THE PROCESS
Every 3 days before and every 3 days after the treatment, you go to the LAB for blood work.
The day of the treatment, you have an examination with your doctor at the clinic. Then based on the exam and the blood work, if all conditions are “GO”, they call the clinic pharmacy and order you a “cocktail”! Oh my, I’m getting a very Special Cocktail made exclusively just for little ole me. Sounds good huh? How you like me now?
However this cocktail contains things that are spelled with 20-25 alphabet letters. And oh, by the way, it contains TOXIC POISONS! These poisons are going to eradicate Mr. TAZ from my body, but hopefully without destroying all the good stuff along with it. Hm-m-m, imagine that.
All of the technicians and the nurses explain in full detail everything that is going to happen. They explain as they go along and they use all very plain English so you nod while they speak because you understand EVERY word.
Problem is, you still have “NO CLUE”! At least that was my experience. It took at least 3 treatments before I got the hang of it.
Renashia with my daughter
First day, all great Staff! Everyone gave full explanations of every piece of the process. Everyone had positive attitudes all the way around for which I was very grateful. The last thing you need on a day like that is a couple of Debbie downers!
Renashia was my first technician. She took my vitals for the pre-treatment. She explained everything and put me and my daughter at ease. Don’t let anyone tell you “HOW” you’re handled doesn’t make a difference. It makes “ALL” the difference. Thank you Renashia!
Jules will be administering this precious “cocktail”. She had such a gentle voice and demeanor. She explained everything in detail, and I listened and nodded as if I fully understood, but in reality I had NOCLUE. Thank God Jules was so patient.
Thank you Jules.
Oh yes, by the way, these cocktails are just the way I like my drinks. No alcohol, no little umbrellas no fruit, and no ice. Just the “toxic” stuff, thank you very much. Those cocktails didn’t look like this picture either.
The first infusion sort of gets you a little bit high, so you feel pretty good, but then WOW, things starts to kick in. No way can the mind comprehend what is happening. For me the treatment itself was not too bad, it’s what’s waiting for you AFTER the treatment.
Harvey and I Day 1.
This guy I’m holding is my new friend Harvey. He helps me to have mobility while enjoying my cocktail. The nurses didn’t want me to give Harvey a name, but he quickly became a good friend when I needed that little bit of mobility. He became my best buddy when I had to get off of the bed and go to the bathroom. Hmm!
For the first treatment, they give you a bed, just in case. All subsequent treatments you get a chair, comfortable but not like the bed. You learn to bring all sorts of things to keep you busy, however some work and some don’t. Some people crochet or knit, some watch tv, some read, and some get on a computer. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read, but I was just too restless to do even that. I’m not a tv person, don’t know how to knit, and I wasn’t feeling the computer. If you can believe it, I didn’t even want to eat.
So as a result my mind started racing AGAIN! Here we go again, you know the song……..
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, HOW DID I GET HERE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO AFTER ALL THIS?
Oh my, self conversation can conceive and weave a very tangled web!
H-m-m-m, let’s see, 5 more treatments after this. Will I be “healthy” after that? Should I go back to work? Should I restart Day Dreams in Focus again? Max out my assets and travel the world? Should I think in terms of short range goals, long term goals? I had started my Daisy List, but will I be healthy enough to seriously pursue the things on my list?
All questions, no answers.
For the most part everything went well for as much as something like that can go well. I took lots of pictures, I breezed thru the infusion of this toxic cocktail that was going to save and or just prolong my life. But in the meantime it was going to kick my butt.
All in all, the treatment itself took approximately 4+ hours, however the whole process took pretty much the whole day.
I felt so good after the treatment we drove down the shore and wandered around like we were on vacation. For a minute I kept thinking I must be in an alternate Universe because I certainly don’t feel as though I just had my first chemo treatment. We treated ourselves to some Red Mango yogurt. Seemed like an appropriate splurge. Really?
Denise at the Jersey Shore post treatment #1 What did we know?
Got home late, felt a little tired but no where near what I thought it was going to be like. Felt so good, I paid very little attention to all the sheets of paper they gave us for side effects and medication directions. As a matter of fact I was so high on Tuesday I thought I must have misunderstood the entire process. Because that’s how we live in “CARE BEAR” land.
I said to myself, this was a piece of cake, what was everyone talking about. I know everyone has a different reaction but this was almost silly. Maybe my situation was going to be different. No nausea, no pain, no hair loss, nothing major, just a little intravenous shot and I’d be on my way. Tra la la la, that noise you hear is me tip toeing through the tulips AGAIN!
My daughter constantly likes to remind me that I live in CAREBEAR land. She tells me I like to think everything is butterflies and roses. The sun will come up tomorrow, la la la la.
Well, you know what, after all these years, I think she is ABSOLUTELY correct.
Tuesday the day after my 1st treatment, I woke up 5:30 bright eyed and bushy tailed. Got up started doing things around the house. I was so full, full, full, of energy I was scaring myself. My daughter was asking me what I was doing up so early? I didn’t know myself, but I felt like I was on a high. As I latter discovered, that’s exactly what I was. But I convinced Denise that she could go home, after all I was more than fine, I was GREAT!
Got Denise on her way home and I continued to dance through the tulips.
As I reflect on that day, one of the things I vividly remember is that Mr. TAZ doesn’t discriminate at all. He goes where he wants and attacks all ages, all colors, all sexes, all sizes, all nationalities, all income levels, you name it. All of the people in the room with me that day and many others to follow, shared the same resolve and passion to fight this demon. Some of them had been in remission for years, and TAZ had come back, but they were determined not to give up.
Reminds me of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s advice,
“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!”
We all need to hang onto the fact that a cure is right around the corner.
I’d like to say “that’s all folks”, but this roller coaster ride journey of mine was just beginning to go into overdrive so stay tuned because,
