Daisy List is the Greatest Bucket List Ever!

“Coming down the Home Stretch”

My 5^th treatment had a completely new emotional dynamic.  Not sure why, maybe the broken needles from the last treatment caused me a little more anxiety.  Maybe just ready for all this to be over, maybe too much time to think about negative things, whatever it was, I seemed to be much more restless and frustrated.

In spite of that, I was finally getting the “rhythm’ of the whole treatment process though.  Usually, a few days after each treatment I’m just getting my energy back.  Then 3 days before a treatment I go for blood work.  Usually takes about 5-6 days after a treatment and the fatique starts to go away.  But of course by then it’s time to get ready for the next session. So I learned the window of opportunity for getting anything done is just a few days before the each treatment.

However in the space between my 4^th and 5^th treatments, I seemed to encounter the most emotional problems.

I think I might have been so anxious because I was trying to get ready to resume my life and get back to where I left off prior to TAZ.  And in my mind, for some reason I thought I’d have less fatique or at least I would know how to handle it, and then I could start to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.   But it was just the opposite.  I was Super tired and I was even more restless and frustrated about all the things I COULDN’T do.

The following paragraphs are lifted directly from my Journal.

Hi Gypsy,

I don’t journal as much as I use to.  Not spending as much time at my daughters these days. We have a new schedule.  Right after treatment I send her home, because I don’t need as much care giving.  I feel tired all the time, but I know it’s my Ghost friend so I deal with it, and just force myself to do things.

Denise does some of the heavy duty stuff like cleaning the bathrooms and vacuming, and sometimes she does some cooking for the week, but truthfully, my appetite is nowhere near normal.

I’ve become hooked on green shakes, noodle soup, cabbage, and Ritz crackers with peanut butter.  And I drink a ton of green tea.

My new favorite food – Mrs Ritz & Mr. Skippy!  Marriage made in heaven!

Because I spend so much time on the sofa, I have tons and tons of time to think, and think, and think.  The brain goes around the mountain 20 times a day, covering the same path over and over and over.

But luckily there were a couple of major things that happened in my personal life that distracted all this new emotional mental energy for a minute and it kept me from going insane.

First my brother bought a new house and he told me I could decorate it however I wanted to, and I knew he meant it.  I think he said it to boost my spirits, which it sure did.  One of my favorite things is interior design.

He only had 2 “must haves”, his favorite chair, and his large flat screen TV.  Other than that, the show was mine.  I cut out pictures, went on line, bought new magazines, you name it.  He sent me pictures of the rooms so I could get some ideas and boy did I.  I could not wait to get better, get to Mass and get started.  That definitely took my focus off of my shadow Ghost and since I had minimal energy it was the perfect project to work on from my sofa.

The second interesting thing was that my daughter was selling her home and relocating for a new job.  What a roller coaster ride that was.  First it was about getting closer to me.  Then we discussed my moving back to Mass to be closer to family so she wouldn’t have to worry about me so much.  Then we decided we’d both stay in NJ.

I should have remembered my daughter is a Libra, you know what that means, careful constant deliberation and sometimes indecisive non conclusions!  WHEW!  We were going up one side of a decision wall and down the next!  Kept me off balance for a while, but it sure took my mind off of TAZ.

I still had my Ghost Busters, but I also wanted things to do that would get me back into the Stream of REAL life.

But those 2 projects were perfect to take my mind off of this crazy nightmare movie I was in.  I was a little anxious about the 5^th treatment.  I’m not sure why, maybe because I’m near the end of my treatments, and I just couldn’t wait for them to be over.  Too much limbo time on my hands and too much time to think, think, and think.  I don’t go out and I don’t encourage visitors.

It’s my own fault, I don’t go out, I don’t make plans with anybody, I live like a shut in.  And I have NO excuse.  I feel fine, no pain, not even discomfort.  My only minor problem is that my right hand is seriously swollen, and it’s tender and sore.  Not sure if it has anything to do with the previous treatment with the broke needles or just too much blood work and my veins are exhausted.  Whatever it is, it’s making me just a bit nervous.

All I want to do is eat and nap, and I’m in a very low mood, close to depressed, and that is NOT healthy and it’s totally NOT me.

Then low and behold, out of the blue, I got a card from my cousin Betty, wishing me well on my 5^th treatment.  Not only did it come just in time, it fit me to a tee.  So from that card, I managed to work myself back up to a reasonable mood.  Again the miracle of a small gesture, it’s astonishing how it works.

Okay, yesterday was the 5^th Treatment.  Hooray, Hooray, Hooray!!!!  Not too many issues, had to have 3 tries to get the needle in, but they called the expert and she did a GREAT job.  No pain, no problems. Everything went pretty smoothly, and we got out early for a change.

So the next day, Mr. Fatique, my Ghost shadow and I sat down and made a list of all the things for reevaluating my choices, options and decisions about what I want to do with my “POST TAZ” life.

I have one treatment left, and then radiation and hopefully I can really start to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.  I’ve changed so much, on the inside, as I’ve said before, not things people can see or touch or feel, just things INSIDE.  Hopefully things that will lead me to a better life, and I don’t mean in the way of great riches, but peace within, happiness, harmony, health and LOVE.

“Of course after all that, great riches would be nice too” .Just saying! 🙂

Today I feel really, really, really great.  In spite of it all, I LOVE my life, eternally grateful for everything.  I Thank the Lord each and every day, all day.  I truly feel blessed.  One more treatment and off we go into the wild blue yonder.

When you look forward, you start to think about what’s behind you and you really start to zero in on WHAT really matters.  And you try to answer the basic questions.

What was all this about?

 What’s the lesson?

And there I was again with that BIG ELEPHANT in the room, my eternal question,

What is my “purpose” in life?

 “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  

Leo Buscaglia

“Little things make BIG things happen.”  John Wooden