Daisy List is the Greatest Bucket List Ever!

Here we are AGAIN, it’s 3 days before treatment #4, and I’m getting my pre-blood work done.  For some reason today I feel more nervous than usual.  I mean I know the drill, just draw a little blood, no pain or anything, this part of the process is just to make sure there’s no change in the blood cells and your system is ready for the next treatment.

But I don’t know, I’m still a little bit anxious.  I have to force myself to think positive, and remind myself that this is a good thing.  Thank God for all the tests and other things available to help us get well.  This part is a piece of cake.  As a matter of fact, yesterday I got great news.  My catscan results were good and my white blood cell count is good.  The news made me so happy, actually I didn’t know how worried I was until I got the good results.

And here’s the best news of yesterday, I went to Best Buy and bought my laptop.  CANNOT wait to get that all set up and I got the Geek Squad too.  Now I just have to hook up my router and get my wi fi back and I’ll be ready to start churning out the BLOG!  WOW!!!

Okay now its’ Monday, and I’m ready for treatment #4.  Doesn’t 4 out of 6 mean we’ve gone beyond second base and we’re coming into the home stretch?  That’s how you start to feel, when you realize you have fewer treatments ahead than behind.

But let’s not get happy yet, even though you think you know the process, there are always tons and tons of surprises.

Around about this time I was making big plans to get the Blog up.  But you’ve heard it before, WE Plan, God Laughs.  Ideally I thought I would have it up by Labor Day and it would be easy to track things in real time.  That was important to me because it’s difficult to always remember exactly how you felt while going through something so traumatic.

But of course as Murphy’s laws would have it, Labor Day came and went and my Blog was still not up.

I won’t bore you with details, problems, or delays.  But I had to learn how to Journal every day and night, right down to every single emotion I was feeling.   I try to remember all the changing emotions, all the ups and all the downs about each phase of this journey, because those gossamer wing memories turn out to be the spices of one’s life.

The problem is sometimes it takes a hundred words to describe one emotion.  I’m glad I did keep great notes though because today when I read my own journal I have to take pause and recreate the incident in my mind.  There are times I have to pinch myself because I feel as though I’m reading someone else’s Journal.

For instance, the hair, I had so many strange emotions about my hair.  I’m still in shock when I look in the mirror, but at least I don’t get as sad as I use to.  I keep trying to envision a full head of hair again.  I know it will happen I just have to be patient.  These days that’s all I notice about people, the beautiful gorgeous hair.  Some people have so much of it, they could give me more than half and still have plenty.

Oh well, back to the day at hand.  The day started out pretty good, doctor’s visit was good.  My internal exam and numbers were all good.  HOWEVER, when I got to the clinic side, things got real.  Maybe my being anxious was a premonition of the things to come.

When I went in to get set up for my toxic cocktail, they had a real problem finding a vein.  Really guys, are you kidding me?  WOW!!  Now get ready for this visual?

I thought I was going to faint or cry or both.  And each time it happened, it took a few minutes to hit reset and start all over.  Each time they had to find someone else with a higher level of expertise before they could try again and then again, and then again!!

For the first time in this process I wanted to cry, I mean seriously ball my eyes out.  And I’m NOT a crier.  The first 3 treatments were not that bad.  I mean not a picnic, but the treatment itself was more about discomfort than pain.  The nausea and pain was always 2 to 3 days AFTER the treatment.

But this time they had to find a new place for the needle, so at one point they tried to use the back of my hand instead of my arm.  OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!  I could almost faint just talking about the pain now.

The only thing that kept me from losing it, was you guessed it, Denise.  I could see how anxious and worried she was getting and it made me hold everything in.

I tried to pretend it was no big deal, but at one point when I winced and I thought I was going to loose it, I saw Denise’s expression and it spoke volumes directly to the technician.

The silent message was loud and clear!

“Listen, step away from my mother because I really don’t want to have to hurt you”.

The technician immediately “GOT IT”!  She stepped away and went for assistance.  Inside I smiled and thought to myself, I know the nurse was just trying to do her job, but when it’s time to call time out, it’s time to call…….

I know I use the word ADVOCATE over and over, but I guess I can’t use the word enough!  It doesn’t take much, sometimes just a look, a smile, a pat on the back, or someone to call time out.

Any one of those things can take a person from a serious negative to an empowering positive.  Just having Denise there made all the difference in the world for me.  Otherwise I might have been crying for days.

But I have to give the staff their due.  By the time the 3^rd technician got to work on me I was visibly shook up.  However she started to gently talk to me and explain why this was happening and what they planned to do.  Her demeanor immediately calmed me down.

However I did start to wonder out loud if I would have to be sent home without the treatment.  Was I going to have to reschedule treatment #4?  In a very soft voice, she reassured me that they had never had to send a patient home without a completed scheduled treatment.

But this is the amazing part!  All the while that she was talking, she was gently rubbing my arm.  It was such a small gesture, but it had a profound impact on me.  I remember thinking this is a GREAT nurse, a person that has genuine compassion for people.  A true “Soldier of Healing”.

At one point it almost made me want to cry more, but in the end there were no tears and I completely relaxed.

At the end of the day, she found a vein, “in my arm”, and I completed my treatment.

What I found out later is that after a while, the veins become less and less available.  I have small veins to begin with and by the 4^th treatment, they were all just plain tired.

A girlfriend of mine had told me about the pump they can put in your chest so they have easier access, but I elected not to go that route.  No way could I look at that every morning in the shower!

Denise and I closed the place AGAIN, but as usual the staff was great to us.  Caring people make all the difference.

THANK YOU GUYS AGAIN!

Don’t forget to cheer for yourself when you reach the finish line!

Charmaine J. Forde